Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
