I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
Thatβs legit
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