ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
