I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
