i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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