Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
