you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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