I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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