I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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