I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
