i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
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