Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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