my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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