I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
