guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
