Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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