This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
