dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
