Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i drank out of a bidet.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
