i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
