I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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