dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
