well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
