rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
