Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
