I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
