I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
