Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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