I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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