I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
