You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
