i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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