Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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