dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
