i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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