if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
