We named our party play list daddy issues
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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