Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
