I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
