i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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