I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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