so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
