i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
