u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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