You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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