He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
