she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
