if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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