Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
