I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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