You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
