i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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