i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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