I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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