You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
