omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Congratulations! We have a period
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
