The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
