i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
