A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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