Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
