I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
