I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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