come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
